Why Didn't She Fall In Love With Him?
by Kristin "KC" Casey
Dear KC, I'm a great catch. I have a promising career, healthy income, and beautiful house. I'm also handsome, witty, and great in bed, yet none of my relationships last more than six months. My last girlfriend said she was tired of trying to make me a better man. That I interrupted her all the time and was always late picking her up for dates. Aren't those little issues worth the trade-off of an otherwise good man?
What's interesting about this question is that you consider yourself a good man, yet freely admit to these annoying character flaws you call "little issues." How hard is it to show up on time more often than not? How hard it is to wait your turn to speak when having a conversation?
The problem most women have with men who cross "little" boundaries is that men who cross little boundaries are just as likely to cross big ones. Her issue isn't with your lateness or conversational ineptitude, per se. It's what failing to change said behavior says about you as a person.
A man who can't be bothered to hone his conversational skills out of respect for his partner, is a man who undervalues the comfort level and emotional security of said partner. It's not about the specific situation, it's about the principle behind it. There is a willful self-centeredness here, the way you value your voice over hers and prioritize your desire to be heard over her need to complete a sentence.
In truth, there are no "big" and "little" boundaries, no "vital" versus "insignificant" ones. There are simply BOUNDARIES.
What's even more telling than your lack of effort is that you're displaying it in the first six months of your relationship, the exact period most partners are on their best behavior. It's in those first six months that most longterm couples tend to fall in love. Character flaws rise to the surface after the infatuation phase, not during it. It's only after a safe, bonded, loving environment has been created that either partner has something of value to cling to. Something worth fighting for that will offset the harder work they must put in to manage conflicts. Everyone has flaws. People who care about their partner and hope to stay in a relationship try harder to treat their partner well. How hard, you ask? Harder than you have.
A man who can't be bothered to be his best self for six paltry months is taking a LOT for granted. This does not bode well for the future of his relationship. Any woman worth her salt knows this.
No woman has unlimited time and energy to wait around for you to learn how to behave decently. If you can't get it right in the first six months, odds are the next six are going to be hell. Frankly, I'd've bailed on you in three. Methinks your last girlfriend deserves an apology (and a fat spa gift card) for sticking it out as long as she did.
Kristin Casey is a Certified Intimacy Coach based in Austin, Texas. She is also an IPSA trained Surrogate Partner. Her first book, a memoir Rock Monster: My Life with Joe Walsh, was released by Rare Bird Books in March, 2018.